Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Homeless Asians are the Smartest; or, More Deductive Reasoning from Homeless Holmes

Premise:  Asians are the smartest people and homeless Asians are the smartest of all.   Also, stereotypes are true.

I know Asians are the smartest people because once, after a three year lapse, I revisited a fabulous Chinese buffet.  The instant I walked into the greeting area, the crone behind the podium screeched, "Hey!  Hey you!"


"Yeah, you!  Why you not come in here anymore?"

"I haven't been here to eat in three years."

"I know!  Why you not come in here anymore?  Not hungry?   Extra pound food free for you!"

In addition to this data, I have a new bunky at the Rescue Mission, an Asian-computer-criminal-felon-mastermind-inscrutable-spiky-haired-bespectacled-snickering-shifty-eyed-unfailingly polite-archaically- formal-thrash-rock-listening-seemingly-conscious-free-fellow named Matthew Chen.   Matthew's normal speaking voice makes him sound like an Anglo Saxon white boy dosed on ADHD drugs, Red Bull and a bit of helium, but he's equally at home talking to the Mexican gangsters about "buena torta"--good pussy--and the black homies about problems compressing bootleg copies of Rise of the Planet of the Apes.   He's also got a weird partnership--along with an appropriate accent--with a young Texas-grown thug and quasi-Elvis impersonator who doesn't live in the mission but somehow materializes next to our bunks after midnight, reeking of Marlboros and drawling, "I'm here--hell, yes I'm here.  Always where I'm supposed to be and nowhere else." 

It's all true and proves something.  Send in your solutions care of this blog and win a prize
 (Remember, these people are all homeless).

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